Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
