why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
