I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
