batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
