I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
