GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
