I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
