Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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