if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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