6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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