Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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