Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
