There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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