dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
