Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
