So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
