I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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