She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
