If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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