so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
