Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
