Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
