I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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