Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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