I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
