I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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