I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
