Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
