god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
