I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Randomize
