omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
