I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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