shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
