i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
