just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
