If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
