I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
