Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
