i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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