I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think I am morally bankrupt
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Randomize
