Four minutes until I can fart!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
