Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
