I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
