please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
