No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
