Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
