Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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