i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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