You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
