1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
