I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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