i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
