Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
