Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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